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|Wednesday, May 24th, 2006|
Me and Col have fanally decided when we're getting married. It's going to be the end of June/start of July next year, depending on booking a venue. Theres so much to plan and its all the more challanging because we need to cut corners to save money so we can afford a honeymoon too. I've been looking at the prices of venues, photographers etc and its all even more expensive than I expected. My mums sorting the cake out for me and my family said they'll help prepare the food. My dad knows someone at work who does very cheap wedding photography so he's going to find out how much he charges. Also I'm attempting to make my own wedding clothes for me and my bridesmaids (Lucy and Laila - feel so much better now I know I've got two good friends to stop me tearing myself with nerves on the day). I've found liquid satin for 1.99 per meter so I'll probably use that. Laila wants to organise my hen night, which should be interesting.
I'm excited and terrified - lot's of 'What Ifs' are popping in and out of my head; what if I'm making the wrong decision? What if things don't work out? I want to marry Colin I just often have difficulty trusting my own decisions. I think alot of my doubt comes from seeing my parents go through an awfal divorce. When i think about marriage the first thing I think of is the people i know who are divorced. I know lots of happily married people too but I never think of them first. Just me looking on the negitive side, I'm sure of that. Everything thats happened over the past few years has just sort of happened as if it's been ment to; for once somethings happening that i'm making a big decision about and it's just unfamiliar. But thats a good thing - I really need to take responsibility for myself and my future.
The really big thing that worries me is that I dont want cildren. For all I know I might want them at some point in the future, but maybe I'll never want them. Cols in no hurry to have kids and says that if I dont want them its fine by him. But I KNOW that at some point he will want them - what then? When we clash over something so important what will happen? He would make a great dad and I cant help but think that by marrying him I'm stealing it all away from him because he'll be forced to choose between me and having children. And at the moment he chooses me, bot I'm certain it wont always be that way.
Cols got me into Star Treck Next generation lately and I'm really enjoying it. I'm getting quite attached to the characters infact. I'm still knitting away (ofcourse) but not as much as usual, I'm just not in the mood much. The stitch markers are going well so i've been making more of those.
|Sunday, May 14th, 2006|
It's been a strange week. Grandad's funeral was on friday and I'm totally worn out from it. Despite all the sadness it was good to see my family (I have a huge family)and catch up with everyone, it's been so long since we've all been together. I'm pretty run down at the moment, what with grandad, job hunting and Col's debt. I feel better today but yesterday I had work, then knitting group, then I met Lucy and Catrin in the evening. I'm meeting Willian in Chester for his birthday tomorrow which I'm really looking forward to, but I can't wait until tuseday when I've goot the day off to myself to just do nothing. I'll probably spend most of the day knitting because I've got afew UFO's that have been lurking around for too long.
The knitting group on saturday was good. Carol, Sarah and Hilary came but Debs and Dannie couldn't make it and neither could Babs. Carol runs knit and natter days so I'm looking forward to going to one as soon as I can. I finally finished Dannies socks during the group too. It seems that I've fallen out of the sock zone for the time being, I usually get the urge in the warmer weather. I've taught myself some more crochet so I'm making myself a throw out of scraps of DK yarn I've got6 lying around. It's going to be big, bright, colourful and GARISH!!
|Thursday, May 4th, 2006|
My grandad died yesterday morning. He was in great health for an 82 year old and the heart attack came out of nowhere so it was a total shock. It's still sinking in. I keep having moments of realisation of how he's gone. He was such great fun to be with. Every time I think of him I can't feel sad for long because I think of something he said or did and it makes me laugh out loud. Also my nana died about 5 or 6 years ago and he missed her so much - they were married for over 55 years - and I think maybe he was relieved that he was going to be with her again. My grandparents have seven surviving children and it all feels wierd now that both nana and grandad are gone because they were in every respect central to the family.
|Sunday, April 30th, 2006|
I've just watched the latest episode of Doctoe Who on bbc 3 and am very impressed. I thought the first one was quite good and I missed the second but this episode just captured the Doctors ways perfectly and I really enjoyed the storyline. David Tenant has a magnetism and a slight look of alieness about him that Christopher Eccleston, though good, just didn't get quite right. This Doctor is more like THE Doctor, more eccentric and charming, as he's always been in his past regenerations.
I just finished Lorna Landviks 'Oh My Stars' - what a book! Its set at the end of the depression in the US and is about the life of Violet, a 'homely' looking girl from a small town who, just as her quite miserable life is really looking up, looses her left arm in a factory accident on her 16th birthday. Things get worse for her, she cuts off her new friends and runs away. She plans to commit suicide on the golden gate bridge but her lifes not fated to end there. She meets Kjel, the most beautiful man she (and every other woman in the book) has ever seen or imagined, and Austin, a talented black musician living among bigotry. She's rescued on here way to the golden gate bridge and becomes 'The Pearltones' manager. It's such a great story, written in a very down to earth way. The chapters start with Violet, now an old woman, narating, befor changing to the third person. I was really touched by the story and how it was told and at one point i was even in tears. Violet discovers love for others and for herself and learns that her talents dont have to be wasted after her accident.
I had a distressing kntting incident last night. I've designed a cardigan and had knitted about 6 inches of it when I thought 'Hmmm, looks a little wide...' so I measured it and it was indeed a little wide. By 3 inches. So I had to rip out the whole lot, including a wide lace border that had taken hours to knit. In a way I feel better - I feel like I've got the inevitable stupid mistake out of the way and can start again unhindered.
|Wednesday, April 12th, 2006|
After a brief lull I'm back in the knitting zone. I'm working on 2 pairs of socks, a bolero, an evening bag and afew other bits and bobs which have been on the needles for far too long now. I've also seen afew new books I want ... need - 'Stitch n bitch happy hooker' and 'Sexy little knits' by Ashley Paige, and a good book on fair isle. The Ashley Paige book hasn't been released yet but I've looked at some of her designs online and they're great, so the book looks promising.
I've also set up a knitting group thats going well, I'm really looking forward to the next meeting. Last week I also got round to taking the glass stitch markers I've made to 'K2tog' - they brought 6 sets off me, I was so chuffed!
|Thursday, March 9th, 2006|
|Grumbling but with happy bits
All is not well. Col's in an entirely hopeless mood, and I've no idea what to do. He looses belief in himself and life so easily, which both infuriates me and makes me unhappy. I want to help but he really is the only one who can do anything for himself, and if he won't then there's nothing I can do. I've experienced the same myself, so I can empathise, but I still don't know what to doI'm so stressed lately, I just can't relax and forget everything for a second. All the bills are comming at once and I don't know how I'm going to pay them all. Then on top of everything there's Colin apparantly giving up every last shread of self belief.
On the bright side though I've just finished one fall from a set of two that I'm making for myself. They're the first ones I've made with synth hair and, messy as they may be, I'm taking great pleasure from them so far. Can't wait to get the second one finished so I can wear them! My crochet pink and silver falls aren't selling, but I still really enjoyed making them, and I'm attempting another pair made of thickly plaited black and yellow yarn with handmade bumble bee beads, which is also proving to be lots of fun. I'm so glad I've finally decided to have a go, I can really see how Kirsty's so into making them, they're strangely addictive. Current Mood: stressed
|Saturday, February 11th, 2006|
I've just indulged in a little ebay yarn expenditure, which is always cheering as it means I can envisage my next pair of snuggly socks. I'm going for the colour therapy approach so I've chosen cream and blue yarn to calm me down whilst knitting. It reminded me of the sea, which I keep thinking of. I dreamt about it the other night; I woke up and the book I was reading was suddenly focused on it; I flicked through a poetry book and started reading at random 'The rhyme of the ancient mariner'; I went for a random suzanne vega track and (guess what?) it was about the sea. Why this sudden longing, and all these references drifing over me? Freedom maybe? Escape? What do I want to escape? The same things as everyone else I suppose - monotony, boredom, a future that appears to offer no change for the better. Life isn't bad exactly, just boring. I want to change it, I rack my brains, but I can't change things if I don't know what I want. It feels pathetic, this uncertainty. It almost makes me wish I was career focused and single minded, but that's just not me. And now I'm back to my original gripe - just WHO am I?!
|Thursday, February 9th, 2006|
I've started to wonder who I am - am I really myself? I try so hard to make other peoples lives better, to make them happy that I've got lost. I don't know what I want. I feel blank, like I've lost all my passions and opinions, the only things I have opinions on are microscopic, of no relevance. Yet I used to be so passionate about the things I believed in, where's it gone? I'm craving solitude, or just something to help me think again. I feel as if all emotion has dropped away from me, I actually feel like I'm more stupid than I used to be. And I give in too easily now to other peoples opinions, I'm so easily overpowered, all in an awfully pointless effort to keep the peace, to maintain balance. I've had enough of doing it, but what's the alternative?
|Sunday, January 29th, 2006|
I got back from Riga yesterday and it was absolutely fantastic. Food, drink etc are really cheap there so we were able to live extravagantly for 5 days. We visited loads of great bars and resturants, including The Skyline bar which is on the 26th floor of a hotel in the centre of the city, so the views are amazing. I tried ice skating for the first time, on an outdoor rink, which was fun if painful. We saw the massive river that was totally frozen and had people walking accross it. We went to the market which is made up of five ex zepplin hangers and sells everything from meat to clothing. Old Riga is the prettiest part of the city, full of very old buildings.
I really enjoyed flying for the first time too and can't wait to do it again as soon as I can. It was amazing being able to see whole cities from above, I didn't want to land.
Best of all was having all that time to spend relaxing and doing new things with Colin, it was great having the opportunity to spend so much time together away from daily stresses.
I'd definatly like to go back again some time, although it would have to be during the winter. I enjoyed experiencing the coldness and seeing everything covered in snow.
|Wednesday, January 18th, 2006|
It's been a long time since I last updated so thought I'd better have a stab at an update, although doing it on the library computers might not be the best idea I've ever had since this rickety old thing keeps freezing up.
It's less than one week until I go to Riga and despite all my good intentions I still havn't learnt any of the language, so I'm cutting it a bit fine. But I have a plan! I'm going to learn how to say a couple of basic things like 'thankyou' and learn numbers. If that fails I'll just have to talk VERY LOUDLY in English in a patronising tone of voice.
I've sent off me first job application (the first of many). This one was for a full time job in my very favorite bookshop. I've written my best CV and letter so far so hopefully I'll get an interview, although I'll try not to get my hopes up. I'm feeling really unmotivated at work at the moment, I need something new.
Anyway, the plan for today is to do some crafting and maybe take some pics for twisted_goods. I am organised for once!
|Sunday, December 4th, 2005|
Work has suddenly gone a bit crazy so I've suddenly got all the extra hours I've been desperate for, so horay! So now I'm trying to cram in knitting for christmas and knitting for sale at every available opportunity, which is proving difficault seeing as I'm once again working on about 6 different things at once. But I've completed afew projects lately so I'm feeling satisfied and motivated at the moment.
I got back from Devon on friday and am missing it, although it's always good to get back to my own space. I really enjoyed seeing Col's family and dandelion_tear, who I havn't seen for a horribly long time. It was so good to have time to catch up and just be together. She's given me 'The Birthday Book' for xmas, which is a huge book with a personality profile for each day of the year based in astrology and 'personology'. I'm looking forward to putting time aside to sit down and read it in more detail and find out exactly what it's all based on. The descriptions are uncanny so I'm happily looking up the birthdays of everyone I know and boring them with an analysis of their personality. So far the book has been spot on.
I'm still feeling down about money, but so is everyone I know. Apart from that nothing's really getting me down, although I need to keep fighting the pessimism, because often that's the only thing that makes me unhappy. Me and Col are thinking of starting a bussiness together so it's giving us something positive to research and get stuck into, rather than constantly feeling that our future is out of our own control. I know that running a bussiness would be incredibly hard, but I'm sick of working hard to line someone elses pockets. The only way to avoid it is to be your own boss. Current Mood: tired
|Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005|
I'm currently busy getting excited about going on a PROPER HOLIDAY in January. We're going to Riga in Latvia and have booked cheap flights and a hotel and I've sent off for my passport. I'm busily knitting wolly socks to keep my feet warm in the chilly climate, since I seem to totally lack circulation. Riga looks like a great city and I really can't wait to see a new place. I'm going to try to learn some Lattish. I've been meaning to for afew weeks but havn't quite got round to it so will have to ask Colin to nag me until I do - he has a far better memory than me and I often rely on him to make up for the tiny capacity of my goldfish-like memory. I also rely on him to make up for the tiny capacity of my goldfish-like memory. Not to mention relying on him to make up for the tiny capacity of my goldfish-like memory. Current Mood: excited
|Friday, November 11th, 2005|
I've just spent ten minutes writting a journal entry, then accidentally deleated it. Bollocks. Current Mood: annoyed
|Tuesday, November 1st, 2005|
I've been working hard lately on trying to get into the habit of a more positive way of thinking. I've brought a book called 'Learn To Be An Optomist', which sounds cheesy but is actually really good. It's based on the idea of learned helplessness; when things go wrong in major ways you can come to believe that you're helpless to change things, that nothing will ever go right for you because you dent deserve it to etc. Therefore if pessimism can be learnt so can optimism, and thats what I'm trying to do. it's going well so far. The book has lots of exercises that are helping me to understand why I think in the way I do, and it's making me believe that I can change it for the better because I'm looking at things more clearly and in a more balanced way.
So, I've started by making a list of aims for the comming month. I started today by going to Newcastle college with Lucy to find out when they're running their assertivness classes but they don't start again until January. But while I was looking I saw a counsilling course, also starting in january, so I think I'll enroll in that closer to the time when I have some money.
I'm still knitting away, particularly on christmas presents, although when I've made some progress on presents I'm going to do some charity knitting. Could do some good for other people and use up some of my massive yarn stash! I'm also playing with fimo alot and making beads and necklaces to sell, so I'm managing to keep myself busy, which is helping me to stay cheerful. Although I dis watch the film of 'Wuthering Heights' (one of my fave books)last night and nearly cried my eyes out! Current Mood: optimistic
|Wednesday, October 19th, 2005|
I had the interview the other day and didn't get the job but I'm not too bothered. It would have been good to have the extra responsibility and I'm sure that I would have done the job well, but the hours would have dropped in january anyway so I still wold have had to ind somthing else. I've just got a job paper but am putting off looking through it, because there's never anything in it that I could even dream of applying for, so it's just depressing. I'm in a good mood genrally at the moment, getting stuck into xmas knits and so on, but I really have to get some stuff mad to sell. I'v made a couple of necklaces, but knitted stuff takes so long to make and I havn't got the time at the moment. I rally need to get into sewing, it's so fast compared to knitting, which would be a major advantage when making things to sell. Current Mood: happy
|Monday, October 17th, 2005|
At least knitteration is going well. It's so good to do something so undemanding but with which beautiful objects can be made. I've got about five projects floating about at the moment and two in my head that i can't wait to get started on for christmas presents. I'm focusing on getting Debbies scarf finished ( long, wide multicoloured DK) and Cols black rib arnwarmers (or 'driving mitts' as he has delightedly named them). I've finished and sewn up one and have started the 2nd, and cols really pleased with them already. I need to make a trip to the yarn shop nearby ( www.cucumberpatch.co.uk) purchase an extra ball of yarn for a scarf I've been making for myself but I'm scared to place myself in a position of such temptation. Once I've finished one or two of the current projects I'm going to get started on a pair of mittens. I've never knitted them before but they look easy and fun; I've made loads of socks so mittens should be no problem. I found a good mitten pattern and advice at www.knitty.com.
I've got an interview at work in half an hour for the job of keyholder. I'm not sure what the interview will involve but apparantly it's a test. I'm not worried about it ; two other friends from work are applying and I know that they'd both be great at the job, so as long as one of us gets it I don't mind. It wouldn't mean higher pay just extra hours, which we're all desperate for since skintness prevails for just about everyone who works there. I know it would also mean extra stress but it'd be good to have a bit of responsibility at work.
I had another mad moment last night regarding Colin, paranoia, jelousy etc. Everything comes down to the fact that we're so happy together that I'm terrified that something this good can't last. Is it too good to be true? I'm so bad at speaking about how I feel to col though and it all comes out in mad rants that leave col feeling hurt and insulted and me feeling so angry with myself. But how do I learn to communicate better? I know how ironic it is; I have these moments of crazyness because I'm scared of loosing something thats so good, yet these moments are one of the few things that could break us appart. This thought, in turn, makes me more paranoid. I need to break the cycle. Cols suggested that I just write stuff to him and it's a good idea; I'm so much better at expressing myself in writting than I am when talking. I get so frustrated at not knowing how to say what i'm feeling and often I spend so much time trying to work out how to say something that I end up remaining silent and bottling everything up. Current Mood: uncomfortable
|Thursday, October 13th, 2005|
I'm feeling positive again now. Kitty ear hat is very nearly finished so that's one less project, then I'm going to get going again on my dads xmas socks. Feeling glad not to be in Hanley today; it's not the worst place to live in the world, but it's grey and depressing, and full of insane, inbread, alcoholic chavs who would vomit on you as soon as look at you. I'm in Newcastle instead, which is'nt brilliant but it's not Hanley and thats the important thing.
Maybe I should just try to think less about the possivness thing; the more I think about things like this the more convinced I am that theres a problem. I don't want to hide from things but I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill either.
Well, off I go now to attempt to work out what my quarterly gas statement means 9do I owe them money, or do they owe me?) and fill in housing forms. Current Mood: cheerful
|Wednesday, October 12th, 2005|
I'm once again well into knitting, after the lull. I have too many unfinished projects to work on though! I'm prioritising kitty hat for a LJ lady and a scarf I'm finishing for a friend at work.
I keep thinking lately about how I'm still not getting the hang of this relationship thing, after nearly 3 years. There are no problems, we're both happy, but I'm so possessive, so jelous and so heavily dependent, and I don't know how to change. Although Cols incredibly patient, I know that if i don't learn to control myself it will end up pushing us appart. I get so lonely and often end up relying on him too much and getting fed up when I'm the house alone when he's out playing poker or something, despite the fact that he only goes out once or twice a week. I vary so much between really enjoying time by myself and feeling lonely and low that I can never predict how I'm going to feel. My mood swings are nowhere as bad as they used to be but they're bad enough. I'm so disgusted by my own possesiveness and by my stuborness when it comes to wanting my own way all the time. I need to really clear my head and find a way to look at things more objectively. I've made positive a changes before that have saved me from insanity, surely i can do it again. Current Mood: determined
|Thursday, October 6th, 2005|
|Bigger than Hitler...this is the new bible, motherfucker
Hurray, my copy of Rik Mayalls autobiography arrived today, a pressie from Colin to cheer me up. I can't wait to read it (though I'm currently engrossed in Harry Potter - having a break from Mrs Dalloway as it's just too much to take in at once)The man is a Genius. Current Mood: excited